Travel, Vacations


AT THE SEASIDE TO SEE WHAT WE SAW
OUR EYES LEFT THEIR SOCKETS, I'M SURE.
SWIMMERS CONGREGATE
IN A RATHER RUDE STATE,
WHICH IS KNOWN, I BELIEVE, AS "THE RAW"*
*naked

DO NOT DRINK IF YOU'RE GOING TO DRIVE,
IF YOU DO, YOUR WITS "TAKE A DIVE".
YOU WON'T DRIVE ANY QUICKER
IF YOU DRINK THAT LIQUOR,
YOU'LL LOWER YOUR CHANCES OF STAYING ALIVE!!

WITH HIS ARMS AROUND HER, HE WANTED TO BE,
AS THEY VIEW THE SUNSET. ON THE SEA.
BUT WHEN A DISTANT VOICE ROARS
HE LOST BOTH THEIR OARS,
"COME ON IN. YOUR TIME'S UP, NUMBER THREE"!!

'TIS SAID TRAVEL DOTH BROADEN THE MIND,
SEEKING ALL THE NEW SIGHTS YE CAN FIND.
IT BECOMES MUCH MORE FUN
IF INSTEAD OF JUST ONE
THE TRIP IS MADE BY ONE OF EACH KIND!!

A YOUNG MOTOR CYCLIST FROM EAST KENT
HAD A FRONT WHEEL DECIDEDLY BENT.
AT A LOCAL ROAD JUNCTION
THE BRAKE CEASED TO FUNCTION,
HE CAME TO IN AN OXYGEN TENT.

THE HOTELIERS ARE DOWN IN THEIR TRADE,
AS THEIR GUESTS STAYED AWAY. THEY'RE AFRAID.
FROM U.K. AND THE STATES
THEY'RE NOW MAKING NEW DATES,
THE STAFFS HOPE NOW THAT THEY WILL BE PAID!!

GEISHA GIRLS IN THE CLUBS IN TOKYO
ARE DRESSED UP BUT HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.
THE EXCHANGE OF THE DOLLAR
MAKES ALL TOURISTS HOLLER,
WHEN GIRLS ASK, THEY'RE POLITELY TOLD "NO"!!

WHEN YOU LIE IN THE SUN FOR LONG DAYS
IT'S SUICIDE TO STAY OUT IN THE RAYS.
SPREAD ON SUN-BLOCKING OIL
BEFORE YOU COME TO THE BOIL,
OR SKIN CANCER YOU'LL GET AS YOU LAZE!!

HE TRAVELLED THE WORLD QUITE A LOT,
PLACES COLD, PLACES WARM, PLACES HOT!
SOMEONE SAID "TELL ME PLEASE
DO YOU CATCH MUCH DISEASE?
HE REPLIED "NOT SINCE THE DOC GAVE ME A SHOT!!

A VACATION AT SEA IS A CRUISE,
WITH ENTERTAINMENT, GOOD FOOD AND GOOD BOOZE.
FOR YOU, AS A SINGLE
MANY TIMES YOU WILL MINGLE,
IF THIS IS YOUR JOY, YOU CANNOT LOSE!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL CALLED TAMAR
WHOSE DADDY GAVE HER A NEW CAR.
NO FUN SHE'D DERIVE
SHE'D NO LICENCE TO DRIVE
'TIL SHE LEARNS SHE'LL NOT GET VERY FAR.

A LADY POLICEMAN CONSIDERED A SPORT
A DATE MEANT SHE'D SEE YOU IN COURT!
RIDING HER MOTORBIKE
SHE WAS NOT LADYLIKE
ALL THE LANGUAGE SHE'D USE WAS SELF TAUGHT!!

HE TOOK HER OUT FOR A SPIN IN THE CAR,
A CONVERTIBLE: A PRESENT FROM DA.
HE SAID WITH A SLIGHT COUGH
"I WOULD LIKE THE TOP OFF"
SO SHE TOOK OFF HER BLOUSE AND HER BRA!!

Winter has arrived.
WHEN THE RAINS CAME THE ROADS ARE LIKE POOLS,
DRIVERS DRIVING TOO FAST BECAME FOOLS.
THEY ALL SOAKED THEIR CAR BRAKES,
MADE MANY DRIVING MISTAKES,
MANY DID NOT OBSERVE THE ROAD RULES!!!

A LADY DRIVER FOUND HERSELF WITH A FLAT
THOUGHT "HOW ON EARTH WILL I COPE WITH THAT"!
SHE FOUND THAT HER SPARE
IN ITS PLACE WASN'T THERE,
JUST SOME KITTENS AND A MAMA CAT!!
* Tyre/tire

AN EXPLORER, SENOR DA GAMA,
SLEPT NIGHTLY IN HALF A PYJAMA!
HE WAS BITTEN AND EATEN
HE HAD TO PUT A NEW SHEET ON,
AND DREAMT HE MET THE DALAI LAMA!!

A WEALTHY ETON SCHOOLBOY NAMED GENTLY
CAME TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY IN THE BENTLEY.
THE BUTLER NAMED IVOR
WAS A QUALIFIED DRIVER,
BUT THE BOY DROVE THE CAR, INCIDENTALLY!!

ONE DAY HE WAS INVOLVED IN A CRASH
WHICH HE THOUGHT HE'D BLOW OVER WITH CASH.
THE OTHER DRIVER,
A LEARNER LIVED LIFE ON THE SLOW BURNER
BUT A WEALTHY PARENTS' TEETH STARTED TO GNASH!!

THE CASE UNFORTUNATELY REACHED TO COURT,
THE POLICE HAD PLENTY TO SAY IN THEIR REPORT.
FINES AND DAMAGES GALORE,
GENTLY DOESN'T DRIVE ANY MORE,
THE JUDGE SAID HE NEEDED TO BE RE-TAUGHT.

AT THE TIME OF WRITING HE IS STILL LEARNING,
HIS FATHER IS STILL SLOWLY BURNING.
IVOR'S NO LONGER FRIENDLY
WITH YOUNG MASTER GENTLY,
AS A BUTLER HE IS VERY DISCERNING!!

THE DAILY EXPRESS GROUSED ABOUT 4 X 4'S*
TWO AND A HALF TONNES WITH AN ENGINE THAT ROARS.
THEY CAUSE CHAOS AT SCHOOLS,
MOTHERS THREATENING DUELS,
THEY'D BE MORE AT HOME AMONGST HEATHER AND GORSE!!
* SUV's
Re an article in the Daily Express (a British tabloid) on May 29th 2003
about mothers collecting kids from school in 4x4's (SUV's)


A YOUNG MAN FROM PAKISTAN NAMED BARNEY
WENT TO IRELAND TO KISS A STONE CALLED BLARNEY.
IT INCREASED HIS TALKING,
HE EVEN TALKED WHEN SLEEP-WALKING,
HE WAS THE WORLD'S MOST TALKATIVE PAKISTANI!!

THE GIRL THUMBED A LIFT ON THE HIGHWAY,
A VAN STOPPED. SHE ASKED "GOING MY WAY?"
SHE TOOK THE PASSENGER SEAT
THE CASE WAS NEARLY COMPLETE,
AT HIGH SPEED SHE FELT IT WAS A SKYWAY!!

AN ELDERLY GENT WAS KNOCKED OVER,
HE WAS HIT BY A NEW MODEL ROVER.
"I KNOW THE HIGHWAY CODE,
I KNOW THE RULES OF THE ROAD,
I WASN'T WEARING MY LUCKY CLOVER"

A TEEN-AGER WHO GOES ON VACATION,
LOOKS FOR A FRESH DESTINATION.
HE/SHE WANTS SUNSHINE BRIGHT,
AND EXCITEMENT AT NIGHT,
ENJOYMENT WITHOUT ANY CESSATION!!

I HAD A SECOND HAND VESPA SCOOTER,
THE FIRST PART THAT BROKE WAS THE TOOTER!!
AS I LIVED IN BELFAST
WHEN I REPLACED IT AT LAST,
'TWAS A NEW ONE THAT PLAYED "PHIL THE FLUTER"!!

THERE WAS AN OLD TRUCKER NAMED BRYAN,
WHO DROVE HEAVY LOADS TO CAIRNRYAN.
FROM THERE GOING AFLOAT
ON THE NORTH IRISH BOAT,
BUT HIS LOAD HE KEPT A SHARP EYE ON!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG DRIVER CALLED LORI.
FOREVER WAS SAYING "I'M SORRY"
WHILE DRIVING A TRUCK
AGAIN RAN OUT OF LUCK,
AND FINISHED UP, UPSIDE DOWN, IN A QUARRY!!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG GAMBLER CALLED GWYN,
WHO SAYS IF YOU DON'T PLAY, YOU CAN'T WIN!
HE WENT ON A WEEK'S CRUISE,
EVERY DAY HE WOULD LOSE,
WHEN HE RETURNED, WHAT A STATE HE WAS IN!!!

A YOUNG FELLOW-ME-LAD, I'LL CALL GAR,
COULD DRIVE ALMOST ANY MAKE CAR.
HE HAS VERY FEW FAULTS
AS HIS FRIENDS BLOW UP VAULTS,
HE'S THE BEST GETAWAY DRIVER, BY FAR!!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG DRIVER NAMED YANK,
WHO WHEN HE WASN'T DRIVING, HE DRANK!
HE FELL FOUL OF THE LAW,
HE AIN'T DRIVING NO MORE,
FOR HIS FINE , HE HAD TO CALL ON HIS BANK!!!

I'VE BEEN DRIVING SOME MONTHS WITH AN "L"
MY TEACHER HAD OCCASION TO YELL.
"IF YOU DRIVE IN THAT WAY
NOT THE WAY THAT I SAY,
TO PASS THE TEST YOU'LL NEED A WITCHES SPELL!!!

A YOUNG FORMULA ONE DRIVER NAMED REID,
RACED FROM THE GRID AT VERY HIGH SPEED!
IN HIS MOST RECENT RACE
I'M AFRAID HE LOST FACE,
HE HIT THE GRAVEL BECAUSE OF HIS GREED!!

AN AUTO MECHANIC NAMED HANK
HAD TO START HIS OLD CAR WITH A CRANK.
A MILD CURSE AND A WHACK
DAMAGED HIS LOWER BACK,
TO PUSH WAS LIKE PUSHING A TANK!!

HE TOOK THE CAR FOR AN INITIAL TEST RUN,
AT THE WHEEL IT FELT LIKE LOTS OF FUN.
HE WENT AT ONE HUNDRED PLUS
WITH NO TREMOR OR FUSS,
HE TRAVELLED LIKE A SHOT FROM A GUN!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG LAWYER NAMED KANE,
WHEN DRIVING STAYED IN THE FAST LANE.
AFTER A DAY IN THE COURT
WITH TENSION HE IS FRAUGHT,
HIS SPEEDING RELAXES HIS BRAIN!!

MY FRIEND TOOK TO THE ROAD IN A RENTAL,
HE WASN'T USED TO A SPORTS CONTINENTAL.
HE WAS DRIVING AT SPEED
A SMALL MAP TRYING TO READ,
HIS DAMAGE WAS BASICALLY DENTAL!!

WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING FAST IN THE GRAND PRIX,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RACE END WILL BIX!
IF YOU'RE INTO A SPIN
THEN SOME TROUBLE YOU'RE IN,
YOU COULD FINISH UP IN ETERNITIX!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED ABBY
WANTED TO FOLLOW HER DAD AS A CABBY.
HE'D BEEN A CABBY FOR YEARS,
HE'D SEEN LAUGHTER AND TEARS,
HE TOLD HER THE LIFE MADE ONE FLABBY!!

THERE'S A HIGH CLASS RESORT AT LECH (Austria)
SKI-ING WELL AVOIDS A SORE NECK.
A FAST RUN DOWN THE SLOPES
MAY RAISE UP YOUR HOPES,
THAT YOU'LL GET HOME WITHOUT BEING A WRECK!!

A YOUNG MAN FROM THE BACKWOODS OF UTAH,
FELL IN LOVE WITH HIS MOTORISED SCOOTER.
HE RAN INTO A HORSE,
WHICH LED TO A DIVORCE,
AS HE BROKE BOTH HIS LEGS AND HIS HOOTER!!

MY VACATION WAS SPENT IN TORBAY,
I HAD HOPED FOR THE SUN EVERY DAY.
WITH GREY CLOUDS AND THE RAIN,
I SAID NEVER EVER AGAIN,
FROM NOW ON IT'S MAJORCA, OLE!!

A MOTORCYCLIST KNOWN AS AN "EASY RIDER"
HAD A GIRL FRIEND AND COULDN'T ABIDE HER.
SHE WOULD NOT RIDE AS PILLION
AND SAID SHE'D LOOK SILLY ON
"THE BIKE . IT OR ME".-THAT'S YOUR DECIDER"

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