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THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL, MARIE SPRATT
AT WORK ONE DAY FELL INTO A VAT.
BEFORE SHE WAS DRAGGED OUT
SHE HAD DRUNK SO MUCH STOUT
THAT HER PARTS THAT WERE THIN BECAME FAT!!
A ZOOLOGIST NAMED MIKE ANNETT
KEPT A LARGE RATTLESNAKE AS A PET.
IN COURSE OF A BATLE
THE SNAKE LOST ITS RATTLE,
NOW MIKE A. IS MUCH MORE THAN UPSET!
A YOUNG ELECTRICIAN CALLED "SPARKS"
HELD A WIRE AND MADE SOME REMARKS.
WHICH REPEATED, I HEAR
WERE NOT FIT FOR THE EAR,
BUT THEY MEANT "IT WAS LIVE. I'VE GOT MARKS"!!
A YOUNG FRIEND OF MINE, A GOOD LOOKER,
WENT ON THE STREETS AS A HOOKER!
AFTER YEARS AT THE GAME
SHE HAD MADE QUITE A NAME,
IT'S STRANGE THAT THE COPS WOULDN'T BOOK 'ER!!
A LIBRARIAN LEARNING TO COOK
COULD NOT DO SO WITHOUT HER COOKBOOK.
SOUP, MEAT, AND / OR FISH
IN FACT EVERY KNOWN DISH
HOW TO COOK, IN HER BOOK, SHE MUST LOOK!!
THE ARTIST, WITH HIS CANVAS AND STAND,
HAS A PALETTE AND BRUSH IN HIS HAND.
HE'LL PAINT WHAT HE SEES
A LANDSCAPE WITH TREES?
PERHAPS THE SEA AND THE SHORE AND THE SAND!!
AN OLD TAXI DRIVER NAMED FRANK
HAD A NEST-EGG PUT AWAY IN THE BANK.
A QUICK WORD OR A JOKE
AT HIS FARES HE WOULD POKE,
FRANK THE CRANK HE WAS KNOWN IN THE RANK.
THE YOUNG GIRL AT EL AL WAS SO NICE,
AS, ON THE PHONE SHE OFFERED ADVICE.
"A LESS CROWDED MONDAY
IS BETTER THAN SUNDAY
TO TRAVEL-AND WE WON'T CHANGE THE PRICE!!"
THE PHOTOGRAPHER WAS SENT ON ASSIGNMENT,
TO STAY WITH A MISSILE CONSIGNMENT.
A TRAJECTORY CHANGE
WHEN OUT ON THE RANGE,
ARMS,LEGS AND LENS ALL WENT OFF ALIGNMENT!!
THE WAR CAMERAMAN WENT OFF DOWN THE TRACK,
HIS EQUIPMENT ALL IN A BACK BACK.
HIS EDITOR MOANED,
WHEN HIS MAN NEVER PHONED,
"I HOPE ONE DAY MY PRINTS WILL COME BACK"!!
A DOOR-T0-DOOR SALESGIRL CALLED TINA
TRIED TO SELL ALL HER CLIENTS A CLEANER.
AS THE FRONT DOORS SHE POUNDED
REJECTIONS ABOUNDED,
SHE GAVE IT UP AS HER WAISTLINE GREW LEANER.
AN AUTHOR WITH A NOVEL IN MIND
A PUBLISHER THEN FOUND HARD TO FIND.
AS "NO-THANK-YOU'S" COLLECTED
HE FELT DAMN DEJECTED,
HIS HOPES, HE FELT, HAD "GONE WITH THE WIND"!
A STRUGGGLING ARTIST WHO LIVED IN AN ATTIC
RECEIVED NEWS THAT MADE HIM FEEL ECSTATIC.
HIS STYLE, COLOURS AND VERVE
HIT A PATRON'S RAW NERVE,
FAME AFTER THAT BECAME AUTOMATIC!!
IF HE DOESN'T MIND, DOES IT MATTER?
THAT WITH ALL SORTS OF FOLKS SHE WILL NATTER.
AT SOCIALS AND WORK
TALK SHE DOESN'T SHIRK,
DOES HE THINK SHE'S AS MAD AS A HATTER?
THERE WAS AN OLD MAN NAMED BLANTYRE
WHO REACHED THE AGE WHEN HE HAD TO RETIRE.
MANY YEARS FULL OF TOIL
KEPT HIS BLOOD AT THE BOIL.
IS HE HAPPY NOW? "YES" MEANS HE'S A LIAR!!
HE SAID HE WAS AN ENTREPRENEUR,
HE CONVINCED THEM HE WAS A REAL DO-ER
BUT,IF THE LADIES HAD MONEY
IT ALWAYS SEEMED FUNNY
HIS MAIN ROLE BECAME THAT OF A WOO-ER!
A FIREFIGHTER WHO WAS CALLED "FEARLESS" FRED,
HAS A PROBLEM EACH MORNING IN BED
AT THE TIME HE MUST RISE,
HE CAN'T OPEN HIS EYES,
HIS ARMS, BODY AND LEGS FEEL LIKE LEAD!-!
MADAME CLARA'S A FAMOUS CLAIRVOYANT,
IN THE FAIRGROUND SHE'S VERY FLAMBOYANT.
SHE DIDN'T SEE, SAD TO SAY
WHAT WAS COMING HER WAY,
IN A SHIPWRECK SHE WASN'T TOO BUOYANT!!
THERE WAS A WEIGHTLIFTER NAMED KERR
WHO LOOKED LIKE A LARGE SHAGGY BEAR!
WHEN HE'S NOT LIFTING WEIGHTS
HE FINDS IT'S HARD TO GET DATES,
LIKE SAMPSON HIS STRENGTH'S IN HIS HAIR.
A STUNTMAN, FOLLOWING HIS VOCATION,
WAS SENT TO THE SNOWS ON LOCATION.
AFTER WEEKS IN THE SUB ZERO
HE ARRIVED HOME A HERO,
WITH HIS MIND A COMPLETE RUINATION!!
A YOUNG GIRL WITH A VERY LARGE BUST
WAS GIVEN A POSITION OF TRUST.
THERE WAS ONLY ONE FLAW
WHEN MEN CAME THROUGH THE DOOR,
THE LOOK IN THEIR EYES WAS PURE LUST!!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG MAIL CLERK CALLED VIC
IN THE OFFICE HE'S CALLED MISTER QUICK.
WHEN COMING OR GOING
HIS TO-ING AND FRO-ING
WAS AT SPEEDS THAT MADE OTHER CLERKS SICK!!
A PLUMBER CALLED THE HOUSEHOLDER'S FRIEND
WOULD SEND THE HOUSEHOLDER AROUND THE "S" BEND!!
WHEN FITTING A NEW PIPE
HIS LANGUAGE WAS OVER-RIPE,
HE TRIED, WHEN AT WORK, NOT TO OFFEND!!
THE DRIVER OF A LARGE BREWERY DRAY
HAD FOUR HORSES PULLING HIM ON HIS WAY.
WHEN THEY REACHED THE CO-OP
(THEY ALWAYS KNEW WHERE TO STOP)
THEY EVEN KNEW IF IT WAS A HALF-DAY!!
BERT, THE MAN WHO 'S IN CHARGE OF OUR BIN
EMPTYING OUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE PUT IN.
HE IS ALWAYS SO SMART
WITH HIS REGULATION CART,
ON HIS FACE THERE IS ALWAYS A GRIN.!!
A YOUNG GIRL CAME TO LIVE IN VANCOUVER,
A CHANGE FROM HER HOME TOWN OF SUVA,
SHE SPOKE ENGLISH SO WELL
A COMMERCIAL BOMBSHELL,
SHE BECAME A SALESLADY FOR HOOVER!!
I WENT TO A BLACKSMITH IN TOULOUSE
I SAID THAT MY HORSE NEEDED NEW SHOES.
BAD COMMUNICATION
LED TO AN ALTERCATION,
WHEN I CALLED BACK HE WAS SMELLING OF BOOZE.
MANY CITIES HAVE NO CONSTITUTION
TO PREVENT PREVALENT STREET PROSTITUTION.
AS KERB CRAWLERS CRUISE BY
THE GIRLS THEIR TRADE PLY.
DO THE POLICE REALLY TRY PROSECUTION?
THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY FROM LINCS,
WHO WAS KNOWN AS THE AREA MINX.
SHE WAS LIKED BY THE MEN
WHO SAW HER AGAIN AND AGAIN,
WHAT THEY PLAYED WAS NOT TIDDLEY WINKS!!!
A P.I. AT HIS DESK READY TO SCREAM,
HIS REPUTATION GONE WITH HIS SELF-ESTEEM.
A SHAPELY BLONDE WANDERED IN,
PER FERFUME WAS "SIN",
HE SAID "THIS CAN'T BE TRUE, IT MUST BE A DREAM"!!
I ONCE KNEW A GUY CALLED IKE FREEMAN,
HE WAS OUR YOUNG MOBILE ICE CREAM MAN!
WHEN THE GIRLS HEARD HIS CHIMES
THEY RAN OUTWITH THEIR DIMES,
TO MEET THEIR IDEAL DAYTIME DREAM MAN!!
A YOUNG GREEN-FINGERED LADDY NAMED BO,
WASTHE BEST IN THE TOWN WITH A HOE!
WHEN HE PLANTED FRESH SEEDS
THERE WERE NOT ANY WEEDS,
HE'D PLUCKED THEM AND THEY'D NOWHERE TO GROW!!
AS THE TIRED FIREMEN REELED IN THE HOSE,
HE WAS SO COLD THAT HE ALMOST FROZE.
UNLESS HE GOT SOME HEAT
FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS FEET,
HE'D HAVE PARTS THAT WOULD SOON DECOMPOSE!!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG FARMER FROM CHARD
WHO DECIDED THAT LIFE WAS TOO HARD.
HIS VISIONS GREW WIDER,
NO APPLES FOR CIDER,
HE BECAME A POP-STAR'S BODYGUARD!!
SMUGGLING'S A FIRST RATE PROFESSION,
IF YOUR CLIENTELE HAS AN OBSESSION.
IF YOU LIVE NEAR A BORDER
TAKE YOUR CLIENT'S ORDER,
THEY'LL SOON HAVE IT IN THEIRPOSSESSION.
THERE WAS A YOUNG COPPER NAMED KENT,
WHO IN MODERN DAY PARLANCE WAS "BENT".
IN ARECENT DRUG BUST
HIS CAREER HIT THE DUST,
AS IT SHOWED UP THE SOURCE OF HIS RENT!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG POPPET NAMED BABS
WHO TRAVELLED ROUND THE CITY IN CABS.
FOR FRIENDSHIP SHE LOOKED,
SOMETIMES SHE'D BE BOOKED,
OFTEN DRIVERS GOT STUCK FOR THE TABS!
WHEN THE BIG BARMAN ROLLED UP HIS CUFF,
THIS SIGNALLED TO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD TOUGH.
HIS BEHAVIOUR TO CEASE,
TO LIVE IN ONE PIECE,
HE HAD 30 SECONDS BEFORE THINGS GOT ROUGH!!!
AN OLD WATCHMAKER FROM ANAHEIM,
DID NOT HAVE HIS HANDS ON THE TIME.
IF A WATCH STOPS TODAY
ONE PROMPTLY THROWS IT AWAY,
HIS WATCHMAKING'S NOW NOT WORTH A DIME!!
A TRAINEE HOTELIER FROM BREST
SAID HIS TRAINING ALLOWED HIM NO REST.
PURSUING HIS TRADE
HE'D BEEN CHEF, "BOOTS" AND MAID,
ONE THING HE'D NOT BEEN WAS A GUEST!!
HE STARTED IN WORK AS A CHAUFFEUR,
HE RETIRED AND BECAME THE FIRM'S "GOFER".
HE WASN'T DEPENDABLE,
HE BECAME EXPENDABLE,
HE WAS FAR MORE AT HOME ON THE SOFA!!
AT MY WORK I WORKED WITH YOUNG BOB,
WE TALKED QUITE A LOT ON THE JOB.
THE BOSS CARED NOT FOR TALK,
TOLD US TO TAKE A LONG WALK,
ON THE DOLE, WITH NO JOBS, WE HOB-NOB.
WHEN I TOOK MY FIRST JOB IN A STORE,
DAY BY DAY I PICKED UP MORE AND MORE.
LOOKING BACK ON MY LIFE
WITH A CHILD AND A WIFE,
LIFE IS GOOD: THOSE DAYS WERE A BORE!!
I KNOW THE MAN WHO REPAIRS ALL MY SHOES,
A DYING TRADE THAT HE WOULD NOT CHOOSE.
WHEN TOLD AS A LAD
THAT HE MUST FOLLOW HIS DAD,
HE AGREED IN CASE DAD BLEW A FUSE!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG NEWSMAN NAMED WES,
WHO HAD A BOSS THAT HE TRIED TO IMPRESS.
HE WOULD COVER A STORY
IF HE THOUGHT IT MEANT GLORY,
THE EDITOR COULD NOT HAVE CARED LESS!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLOW NAMED VIC
WHO WAS KNOWN TO HIS MATES AS "DOUBLE QUICK".
WHILE THEY STOPPED FOR THEIR TEA
HE SAID "NONE FOR ME"
HIS CHORES WERE ALL DONE IN A TICK!!
A YOUNG TOPLESS WAITRESS NAMED VIV
GAVE EVERYTHING THAT SHE COULD GIVE.
THERE WAS ONE OMISSION,
SHE EARNED ONLY COMMISSION,
SHE FOUND ON THIS THAT SHE COULDN'T LIVE!!
A YOUNG BOATMAN SAILED OUT ON LOUGH NEAGH,
THE WIND ROSE-HE SENT OUT A "MAYDAY"
S.O.S. S.O.S
I AM IN DISTRESS,
THEY FOUND HIM THE VERY NEXT DAY!!
A WELSH MISER WHO RESIDED IN FLINT,
KEPT HIS MONEY AT HOME, NOW HE'S SKINT!
THIEVES ENTERED-AND THEY WENT,
NOW HE HAS NOT A CENT,
LIKE POLO THERE'S A HOLE IN HIS MINT!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLOW CALLED KENE,
WHO FREQUENTLY HADN'T A BEAN.
HE LIKED NOT UNEMPLOYMENT,
HE LOVED HIS ENJOYMENT,
'TWAS HIS LIFESTYLE SINCE HE WAS FIFTEEN!!
A TYPIST HAD A PROBLEM TO WAKE UP,
SO THEN HAD TO RUSH MORNING MAKE-UP.
THE OTHER GIRLS IN THE POOL
SAID HER MAKE-UP LOOKED COOL,
SHE NEEDED A COSMETIC SHAKE-UP!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG WORKER NAMED SEAN*,
WHO AT HIS WORK DOES NOTHING BUT YAWN.
THE FOREMAN SAID "MY LORD"
"IF YOU ARE EASILY BORED"
"I'LL MAKE YOU SORRY THAT YOU WERE BEAN"
* Sean = Shawn
AN EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL, A REAL RAVER,
PATROLLED THE BEACH AS A LIFESAVER!
HER BOSS DEEPLY FROWNING
SAID MORE MEN WERE DROWNING,
AND ASKED HER TO MOVE ON, AS A FAVOUR!!
TO EARN MONEY SHE TOOK TO THE STREET,
LIKE A COP SHE'S A REGULAR BEAT.
AFTER A BUSY SESSION
SHE MADE A CONFESSION,
THAT HER WORK'S VERY HARD ON HER FEET!!
MY SISTER'S A MODERN YOUNG MISS,
SHE'S NOT AVERSE TO GIVING HER KISS.
TO ANY LADDIE SHE'LL MEET,
IN A PARK OR A STREET,
TO HER, DOING THAT IS SHEER BLISS!!
I ONCE KNEW A BUTLER NAMED BREWSTER,
BUTLERS I AM NOT VERY EWSTER.
HE WAS STEALTHILY QUIET,
COULD HAVE DONE WITH A DIET,
I FELT THAT HE NEEDED A BEWSTER!!
THERE WAS A HARD WORKER NAMED MORRIE,
WHO WORKED HARD AT HIS WORK IN THE QUARRY.
AT THE END OF THE DAY
HE WAS TOO TIRED TO PLAY
WITH HIS KIDS. HE COULD ONLY SAY SORRY!!
A BUILDER WHO WORKED AT GREAT HEIGHTS,
SAID HE ENJOYED BEING THERE FOR THE SIGHTS.
HE LIKED WHAT HE SAW,
BUT WISHED IT WERE MORE,
ESPECIALLY THROUGH WINDOWS AT NIGHTS!!
SIXTY FIVE! RETIREMENT? IT'S THE TIME
EVEN IF ONE FEELS AT ONES PRIME!
IT'S NOW TIME TO REST,
THE NEXT YEARS ARE THE BEST,
IS TO CONTINUE TO WORK SUCH A CRIME?
THERE WAS A HOUSE BUILDER FROM CHORLEY,
WHOSE MOTTO WAS "SLOWLY BUT SURELY"!
AS HE BUILT AN ESTATE
THE OWNERS WOULD NOT WAIT,
THEY MOVED AWAY. THE BUILDER'S NOW POORLY!!
THERE WAS A CAR SALESMAN NAMED NEVILLE,
WHO FELT THAT HE WAS A YOUNG DEVIL.
AS HIS SALES FIGURES SOARED
THEY WEREN'T ALL ABOVE BOARD,
HE WISHED HE COULD SELL ON THE LEVEL!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG DROP-OUT NAMED DIRK,
WHO HATED THE THOUGHT OF HARD WORK!
IF SOMEONE SAID THAT WORD
HE'D SKIP LIKE A BIRD,
IT WAS AS IF HE HAD GONE QUITE BERSERK!!
A T.V. SPORTSCASTER LIKED GAMES,
HE MIXED WITH THE MOST FAMOUS NAMES.
WHEN BACK ON THE AIR
HIS MANNER WAS RARE,
HE FELT HE APPEALED TO THE DAMES!!
A NIGHTWATCHMAN GAZED INTO HIS BRAZIER,
HE THOUGHT OF HIS YOUTH IN MALAYSIA.
SINGAPORE AND PENANG,
THEN HANDI AND BANANG,
COULD THOSE DAYS HAVE BEEN ANY CRAZIER?
I ONCE WORKED WITH A YOUNG GIRL, NOELLE,
WITH HER LOVELY RED HAIR, SHE WAS SWELL.
REGARDING ALL HER DATES,
SHE WOULDN'T DATE WITH HER MATES,
THE BOSS ALSO DID NOT DO SO WELL.
A YOUNG LADY WORKS HOURS IN A BAR,
IN ORDER TO BUY A NEW CAR.
A MAN WITH INTENTIONS
MADE EVIL SUGGESTIONS,
WHERE SHE HIT HIM HAS LEFT A LONG SCAR.
THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY CALLED PAULA,
WHO WED A DECK-HAND FROM A TRAWLER.
A REALLY NICE DISH,
ALWAYS SMELLING OF FISH,
AND MANNERS BECOMING A BRAWLER!!
A KENTUCKIAN COWBOY NAMED BERT,
MET A CITY GAL IN A SHORT SKIRT.
HISFACE TURNED BRIGHT RED,
HE SPLUTTERED AND SAID,
"YOU'RE LOVELY, YOU'RE SHAPELY AND YOU'RE PERT!!
A BRAWNEY YOUNG GIRL FROM PENRITH,
DECIDED TO BECOME A BLACKSMITH!
MAKING SHOES FOR RACEHORSES,
WAS ONE OF HER COURSES,
NOT FOR WOMEN! THAT'S ONLY A MYTH!!
A YOUNG MAN , A REAL EAGER BEAVER,
WAS SOON AT HIS JOB WITH A CLEAVER.
HIS WORK AS A KILLER,
FINISHED UP IN THE CHILLER,
HE DIED, NOT IN THE CHAIR, BUT OF FEVER!!
TO THE BARBER I WENT FOR A HAIRCUT,
I TOLD HIM I WANTED A FAIR-CUT.
I WOKE FROM A SNOOZE,
JUMPED OUT OF MY SHOES
WHEN I SAW I WAS SHORN TO A "BARE" CUT!!
A YOUNG WINDOW CLEANER NAMED SAMMY,
WAS AN EXPERT AT USING A CHAMOIS.
HE SAW MANY A FIGURE,
SOME SMALLER, SOME BIGGER,
IN A SOLE THAT WAS PREFIXED BY CAMI!!.
THERE WAS A WEALTHY LADY NAMED TRISH,
WHOSE HANDS NEVER TOUCHED A USED DISH.
THE MAID STARTED AT FOUR
ON THE DISHES AND THE FLOOR,
AT A WAGE THAT WOULD NE'ER MAKE HER RICH!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG SALESGIRL CALLED SYBIL,
LIVED ON A HOUSEBOAT ON THE RIBBLE.
ONE NIGHT IN A DEEP SLEEP
SHE FELL INTO THE DEEP
AND SURVIVED ON WHAT SHE COULD NIBBLE!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED CARRIE
WHO'D LIKE TO HAVE BEEN MATA HARI.
INSTEAD OF A HOUSEWIFE
WOULD HAVE HAD A REAL LIFE,
INSTEAD OF A SUBURBAN MARIE.
A LOCAL DETACHMENT OF WITCHES
TOOK IT IN TURN FOR WASHING THE DISHES.
WHEN IT CAME TO THE MEALS
THEY'D ORDER "MEALS ON WHEELS"
A CHEF WITCH WAS ONE OF THEIR WISHES.
NO ONE COULD COOK IN THE COVEN,
THEY COULD NOT EVEN SWITCH ON THE OVEN.
NONE COULD PRODUCE A SPELL
EVEN FIND A GOOD YELL,
FROM ANY OF THOSE WHO COULD GOVERN.
THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY CALLED LOVELLE,
WHO'S A SALESGIRL, AND CAN THAT GIRL SELL!
SHE'D SELL CONES AT THE POLE,
IN NEWCASTLE SELLS COAL,
SHE'D SELL FIRELIGHTERS IF SHE WENT TO H-LL!!
THERE WAS AN APPRENTICE NAMED VELDON
WHO LOVED WORDS OF PRAISE SUCH AS "WELL DONE"
HE'D GO HOME FULL OF JOY
THIS HARD WORKING BOY,
HE WON'T BE OUTSHONE BY ANYONE.
A NEW WITLESS RECRUIT TO THE FORCE,
HAD A HERO,TV,S INSPECTOR MORSE.
ON HIS FIRST DAY ON PATROL
HE FELL INTO A HOLE,
NEXT DAY HE APPLIED FOR A POLICE HORSE!
A SAILOR WAS ENGAGED FOR A CRUISE
HIS ONLY FAULT-HE WAS FOND OF BOOZE.
WHEN HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN WORKING
HE WAS FOUND TO BE SHIRKING,
IN HIS CABIN HE'D BEEN TAKING A SNOOZE!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL CALLED JASMINE,
AS A COOK SHE WAS REALLY HAS-BEEN.
WHEN HER FOLKS CAME TO EAT
THEY EXPECTED A TREAT,
MRS GAVE MR A KICK ON THE SHIN!!
THERE WAS A YOUNG BAKER NAMED KENNY,
WHO WOULD LEND ANY FRIEND HIS LAST PENNY!
HIS BREAD SOLD VERY WELL
BUT IN A NUTSHELL
HIS FRIENDS WERE NOT FEW: THEY WERE MANY!!
THERE WAS AN AUTHOR CALLED CECILIA
WHOSE BEST WORKS WAS HER JUVENILIA.
WHEN OTHER KIDS WERE WILD
SHE WROTE TALES OF A CHILD,
BLYTON SAID THAT SOME STORIES WERE FAMILIAR!!
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