Miscellaneous


LIMERICK, SPELT WITH ONE "M"
IS AS IRISH AS JER U SA LEM.
ON WHOM DO WE BLAME
THIS MISTAKE IN THE NAME,
A MAN-OR CHERCHEZ LA FEMME!!

A YOUNG LADY I KNEW, A MISS CLEGG
DIVED IN, HEAD FIRST, INTO A KEG.
WALKING PAST, IN ALARM
I SAID "MISS, GIVE ME YOUR ARM
SHE SPLUTERED "THAT'S NOT AN ARM,IT'S A LEG!!"

A SCOTSMAN WHO SAT ON A THISTLE
GOT UP QUICKLY, WITH A SHORT WHISTLE.
"IF I KNEW NOT BEFORE
NOW I'M VERY SURE
THAT MY SIT-UPON'S NOT MADE OF GRISTLE"!!

IF YOUR MIND IS ALIVE ALL THE TIME
TURNING OUT RHYME AFTER RHYME AFTER RHYME!
EVEN WHILST YOU'RE IN BED
RHYMES COME INTO YOUR HEAD,
I'M AFRAID THAT ONE'S JUST PAST ON'E PRIME!!

WHEN TWO OIRISHMEN MEET, IT'S ALL BLETHER,
TALK OF THE BLARNEY, THE GUINNESS OR HEATHER.
THEIR FAMILIES AND WAYS
BACK TO THE GOOD OUL' DAYS,
THEY DON'T EVEN MENTION THE WEATHER!

HER EYES HAD AN INTIMATE GLEAM,
"IT WAS GREAT! WHAT A WONDERFUL THEME!
IN MY BED THROUGH THE NIGHT
I KNEW NOT WRONG FROM RIGHT,
WHAT A PITY IT WAS ALL IN MY DREAM!!

SHE HAD A LOVELY WEEKEND.THANKED HER HOST
WHO INQUIRED WHAT SHE REALLY LIKED MOST.
"THAT NICE GUEST IN THE HALL
WHO WALKED CLEAN THROUGH THE WALL"
"THAT WAS NO GUEST,DEAR,HE'S OUR GHOST!!!"

F.B.I.,C.I.A. AND THE REST
ARE THEY N.B.G.* WHEN IT COMES TO THE TEST?
THE U.K. M.I.5
IS IT REALLY ALIVE?
SPOKESMEN DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY FOR THE BEST,
* "not very good"!

A PRISONER WAS GIVEN A CAKE
WITH A FILE TO HELP WITH A JAIL BREAK.
ASKED IF HE GOT THE RASP,
HIS VOICE CAME WITH A GASP,
"THE X-RAYS SHOWED WHY I HAD A TUMMY ACHE!!

THERE IS AN OLD FELLOW CALLED MOSE
WHO IS BLESSED WITH A RATHER LARGE NOSE.
AT A ROAD INTERSECTION
HE NEEDS ADDED PROTECTION
AS IT PRECEDES HIM WHEREVER HE GOES!!

I MAILED A PACKAGE MARKED "HANDLE WITH CARE"
THE LABEL BECAME MY PRIVATE DARE.
BANGED, BATTERED AND BASHED
WITH BUREAUCRACY CLASHED,
HAD IT BEEN SAFE THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN RARE!!

THERE WAS AN OLD TOFF NAMED De VERE,
WHO CALLED EVERY YOUNG PERSON "DEAR".
SOME OF THE GIRLS TOOK OFFENSE
AND TOLD HIM TO DISPENSE
WITH THIS HABIT: PLEASE DON'T DO THAT THERE 'ERE!!

ON THE CARPARK WAS WRITTEN "MAX HEIGHT",
THE ROAD IN WAS REALLY QUITE A SIGHT.
IF THE PLACE WAS ALL MAXES
WE ARE ALL PAYING HIS TAXES,
IT DESERVED TO BE CLOSED EVERY NIGHT!!

A YOUNG COLLEEN FROM THE COUNTY OF CLARE
WHO WENT TO THE COMMON TOTALLY BARE.
SHE SAT IN THE STOCKS
RETAINING HER SOCKS,
WHEN ARRESTED SAID IT WAS A DARE.

AN M.P.DUE TO MARCH IN A DEMO,
FORGOT TO DIARISE IT IN A MEMO!
HE THOUGHT IF THERE'S AGGRO
THEY MAY USE SOME LIVE AMMO,
TO THE ORGANISERS HE BLAMED IT ON HIS STENO!!

A YOUTH BOUGHT HIS FIRST SUIT FROM A TAILOR,
HE WANTED TO IMPRESS HIS NEW JAILER.
THE SUIT WAS IMPRESSIVE,
SWEAR WORDS WERE EXCESSIVE,
HE WAS TOLD TO JOIN THE CREW OF A WHALER

HE WAS NEW TO THE DIPLOMATS' RANKS,
HE WAS TOLD NOT TO PLAY BOYISH PRANKS!
"WE HOPE YOU'RE NOT GAY,
AND, OLD BOY, BY THE WAY
YOUR FIRST POSTING IS UP IN WEST LANCS"!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED JULIE,
WHOSE DAD WAS A HONG KONG BORN COOLIE.
THE YOUNG GIRL WAS NO FOOL,
LEARNED HER MANNERS IN SCHOOL,
WHEN INTRODUCED TO A MAN SAID "YOURS TRULY"!!

ON A ROUND-THE-WORLD TRIP IN A YACHT,
I LEARNT TO TIE MANY A KNOT.
WHAT I LEARNED AS A SCOUT
I HAD TO THROW OUT,
SCOUT AND SAILOR KNOTS DIFFER A LOT!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED LIZZIE,
WHO KEPT HERSELF TERRIBLY BUSY.
SHE WAS SO DISARRANGED,
HER LIFE BECAME CHANGED
SHE'S THE ORIGINAL DAME WHO WAS DIZZY!!

THERE'S A MAN WHO IS KNOWN TO BE STUPID,
HE THINKS HE'S A MODERN DAY CUPID.
HOLDING HIS BOW AND ARROW
HE STANDS ON THE PLINTHE NARROW,
THERE IS ONLY ROOM FOR ONE SHOE,KID!!

THE PRINCESS SLEPT FOR MANY LONG YEARS,
A CUP OF TEA BROUGHT HER TO, SHEDDING TEARS.
AS SHE DRANK IT SHE STIRRED,
A SLIGHT WHISPER WAS HEARD,
"WHY USE TEA"?"I PREFER ALES OR BEERS"!!

AN ENGLISH ASTRONOMER NAMED HERSCHEL,
WAS CONSIDERED TO BE CONTRAVERSIAL.
AS HE LOOKED TO THE SKY.,
TELESCOPE TO HIS EYE,
HE WAS TOLD HE WAS BEING COMMERCIAL!!

WHEN ONE MENTIONS THE NAME "CHIPPENDALE"
MANY WOMEN WILL SHREIK AND WILL WAIL!
THE MALE GROUP TWIST AND CAVORT
THERE'S QUITE AN ONSLAUGHT,
THE FEMALE CROWD WOULD LIKE THEM IN A SALE!!!

A GIRL WHO GAVE MEN LOTS OF PLEASURE
FOUND HERSELF WITH SPARE TIME AND LEISURE.
AS TIME PASSED HER BY,
ALL DAY SHE WOULD SIGH,
WHAT WAS LEFT WAS NO LONGER A TREASURE!!

A VERY FAT GIRL NAMED AYELA
MET UP WITH A VERY NICE FELLER.
HER STAYS STARTED TO BUCKLE,
HE STARTED TO CHUCKLE,
"MY NAME, BY THE WAY'S URI GELLER"!

THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN I'LL CALL DAVE,
WHO NEVER HAD TIME FOR A SHAVE.
WITH THE GIRLS HE'S LOST HOPE,
'COS HE DIDN'T LIKE SOAP"
AND EXTRA TIME IN HIS BED HE DID CRAVE!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY FROM SALE (Manchester)
WHO LOST HER EYESIGHT IN A GALE.
SHE READS ONLY ONE KIND
WHICH SHE GETS FROM THE BLIND,
BUT ONLY IF PUBLISHED IN BRAILLE!!

THERE WAS AN OLD TRAMP. NICKNAMED BERT,
WHO SPENT ALL HIS LIFE IN THE DIRT.
HE WAS CALLED MANY A NAME,
BECAUSE HE WAS QUITE LAME,
HE SAID NAMES COULDN'T HARM HIM, OR HURT!!

I ONCE KNEW A YOUNG LAD NAMED JEFF,
WHO SUFFERED FROM A SHORTAGE OF BREFF.
WHEN TOLD THAT HIS WHEEZE
SHOOK THE LEAVES IN THE TREES,
HE SAID HE COULDN'T HEAR. HE WAS DEAF!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLOW CALLED BUSTER,
A DAB HAND ROUND THE HOUSE WITH A DUSTER.
HE POLISHED THE POSH GRAND,
THE LARGE HALL AND HAT STAND,
AND SAID "NO MORE STANDS FOR ME""I'M NOT CUSTER!!"

I MET A MAN AND I ASKED HIM THE TIME,
HE SAID THAT HE HADN'T A DIME.
HE TOLD ME THAT HIS WATCH
HAD BEEN SOLD TO BUY SCOTCH,
I SENSED THAT HE WAS WELL PAST HIS PRIME!!

I ONCE KNEW A LADY NAMED LYNN,
WHO WASN'T FAT, BUT THEN WASN'T THIN
NO MATTER HOW SHE WOULD TRY,
AT TIMES SHE WANTED TO DIE,
TO HER TO DIET WAS A BIG SIN!!

RUBENSTEIN, MAX FACTOR AND SUCH PAINT
MAKES A YOUNG LADY LOOK WHAT SHE AIN'T!
ON HER LIPS AND HER EYES,
SHE WEARS THIS DISGUISE,
IS IT FASHIONABLE----OR SIMPLY QUAINT!!.

A NEAT IRISH MAIDEN CALLED GRETA,
WAS SO SHORT, SHE WAS LESS THAN A METRE.
WHEN TOLD THAT HER FIGURE
WOULD NOT GROW ANY BIGGER,
SAYS A SMALL PACKAGE WILL ALWAYS STAY NEATER!!

A YOUNG TRAMP WHO SLEEPS IN A SEWER,
LEAVES IT WITH AN ODOUR IMPURE.
HIS PERFUME "EAU DE NILE"
CHANGED HIS SEX APPEAL,
AS HIS FRIENDS ARE NOW FEWER AND FEWER!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG WRITER NAMED PEARL,
WHOSE WORDS MADE HER MANUSCRIPTS CURL.
HER REAL NAME SHE'S CONCEALING,
NOT TO HURT MOTHER'S FEELING,
SHE DOESN'TKNOW THAT SHE'S THAT SORT OF GIRL!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED TRELAWNY,
AS HE GREW UP HE FOUND THIS NAME CORNY.
HE WAS NO CORNISH HERO,
IN FACT HE IS A ZERO,
HE WAS TALL, HE WAS THIN AND QUITE SCRAWNY!!

IN THE SILENCE OF HER EMPTY ROOM,
THE QUEEN THOUGHT OF HER FORTHCOMING DOOM.
THE COURT CIRCULAR SAID
SHE WOULD SOON LOSE HER HEAD,
SHE'D READ THE ANNOUNCEMENT WITH GLOOM!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG SCOTSMAN FROM CLUNE,
WHO WAS OBSESSED WITH WATCHING THE MOON.
HE WOULD WATCH THE NIGHT SKY
NEW TELESCOPE TO HIS EYE,
HE FELT THAT DAYTIME CAME TOO SOON!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLOW CALLED DANNY,
WHO NATTERED AND YACKED LIKE MY GRANNY.
IF HIS GLASSES SHOULD SLIP.
DOWN HIS NOSE TO THE TIP,
HIS RESEMBLANCE TO HER WAS UNCANNY!!

THERE IS A YOUNG OLD 'UN CALLED ART,
WHO LIKES LIMERICKS STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART.
HE PLANS HIS DAYS TIMES
TO SUIT HIS DAYS RHYMES,
"I DON'T THINK HE IS TERRIBLY SMART"!!

I ONCE HAD A DOLL I CALLED TRIXIE,
AS CUTE AND PETITE AS A PIXIE.
A PRESS ON HER TUMMY
DID NOT BRING FORTH A "MUMMY"
SHE'D STRUT AROUND WHISTLING "DIXIE"

I ONCE KNEW A CHAPPIE CALLED RANDY,
HE KEPT WOMENS' UNDERCLOTHES HANDY.
THEY WERE NOT FOR HIS GUESTS,
FREQUENTLY HE JESTS,
IN A BIKINI HE LIKES DRINKING BRANDY!!

A TEENAGER I KNEW CALLED ARLEEN,
HAD A SKIN THAT DEVELOPED A SHEEN
BY USING A LOTION,
WHICH WAS HER MAGIC POTION,
IF NOTHING ELSE IT KEPT HER SKIN CLEAN.

IN U.S. AIRLINES, IF A GIRL WANTS TO FLY
AS STAFF, SHE WAS WEIGHED TO STAY IN THE SKY.
A FRACTION OF A POUND
WILL KEEP HER ON THE GROUND,
SHE CAN KISS HER EMPLOYMENT GOODBYE!!

UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS WERE TWO DIFFERENT STRATA,
UPSTAIRS THEY WOULD PLAY A SONATA.
IN THE BASEMENT BELOW
WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHOW,
THE BUTLER RULED THE STAFF LIKE A TARTAR!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG MISSY CALLED INGA
WHO, AT HOME WOULD NOT RAISE A FINGER.
SHE CLAIMED TO BE AILING,
BUT THIS WAS HER FAILING,
HER DAD FOUND OUT THAT SHE LIKED TO MALINGER!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG WIDOW NAMED PAIGE,
WHO WAS KNOWN FOR HER TERRIBLE RAGE.
SHE BLEW HER TOP ONE MAY DAY,
THE POLICE TOOK HER AWAY,
TO SPEND A VERY LONG TIME IN A CAGE!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED DONNA,
WHO FELT SHE WAS NEARLY A GONER.
ATTACKED IN THE PARK
ON HER WAY HOME IN THE DARK,
SHE THOUGHT, RATHER "DEATH THAN DISHONOUR"!!

THERE WAS A SCHOOL STUDENT NAMED LYLE
WHOSE SPECIALISED SUBJECT WAS GUILE.
THINGS WENT WRONG IN THE SCHOOL
WHICH WRECKED THE SCHOOL POOL,
THE STAFF SAID THAT WAS MORE FOR HIS FILE!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG TOFF NAMED GERAINT,
WHO DEFINITELY WAS NOT A SAINT.
WHEN CAUGHT UP BY HIS PAST
SAID IT WAS OVER AT LAST,
HE SAID TO LIVE HONESTLY'S QUAINT.

THERE WAS A YOUNG FELLOW NAMED JUSTIN
WHO LOCKED HIMSELF OUT SO HE BUST IN!
HAVING ELBOWED A PANE
HIS ADMITTANCE TO GAIN,
HE FOUND HE HAD NO ONE HE COULD TRUST IN!!

MY COMPUTER SPENDS ITS TIME BEING REBOOTED,
TO WAIT WHILE THIS HAPPENS I'M NOT SUITED.
THE SCREEN KEEPS ON FLASHING,
(I DON'T THINK THIS IS SMASHING)
IF I FALL ASLEEP I NEED TO BE HOOTED!

I HAVE NEVER PARTAKEN IN LOTTO,
"LADY LUCK'S NOT FOR ME" IS MY MOTTO.
IF BY CHANCE I MIGHT WIN
I'D CELEBRATE ON GIN,
CELEBRATING UNTIL I WAS BLOTTO!!

A WITCH HAD A DAUGHTER VENDETTA,
WHOSE WITCHCRAFT COULD BE A LOT BETTER.
SHE LIVED IN A DEEP WELL,
SHE LIKES MUSIC OF RAVEL,
SHE'D LIKE TO BE LIKE HER MUM, A GO-GETTER!

A YOUNG MAN CALLED THUNDER, FURTHERMORE
WAS KNOWN BY MANY PEOPLE AS THOR.
AS THE NAME MAY SUGGEST
HE WAS NOISY AND A PEST,
HIS HOSTS REGULARLY SHOWED HIM THE DOOR!!

AN OLD TIMER WHO WAS NAMED DERONDA,
EVERY NIGHT FINDS HIMSELF ON A WANDER.
HIS WIFE, LIGHT OF HIS LIFE
JOINED HER FAMILY IN FIFE,
HE THOUGHT OF HER AS AN ABSCONDER!!

MY HOUSE IS WELL KNOWN 'COS IT'S HAUNTED,
THE GHOST WALKS EVERY NIGHT.. HE'S UNDAUNTED!
HE TUCKS HIS HEAD 'NEATH HIS ARM
TOURISTS CRY IN ALARM,
GHOSTIE SAYS "IF YOU HAVE IT, YOU FLAUNT IT"!!

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